My Dubious State

My Dubious State

Photo source: Unknown

It’s 5:25 a.m. usually I’d be asleep during this time if I’m not binging on Netflix but instead of peaceful slumber, I’m wide awake this morning after 2 back to back nightmares.

To clear my head I decided to read a few blogposts but I’ve read all the recent ones already and Zoewiezoe – professional by day, blogger slayer by night and one of my favourite bloggers – hasn’t written anything witty in the last two days. I hope she’s okay!

So now I’m left with my thoughts and feelings, I’d much prefer peaceful slumber but since I have no choice I’m gonna embrace them and just write it all out then go to bed. Everything feels dubious for me right now (slightly off-topic but dubious has to be a British origin word, the way it sounds just screams Great Britain for me) anyways this dubious feeling probably stems from the huge spike in COVID-19 cases on the island, vaccine administration, temporary unemployment, my disconnected relationship with God, friendship conflicts and my iffy feelings towards someone I don’t wish to discuss because they have deeply hurt me.

I just don’t know how to feel, I don’t know how I’m suppose to act and I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’m neither sinking nor swimming, I’m not taking backwards nor forward steps; I’m just not moving. There’s an actual term to describe something like this folks, it’s called neutral buoyancy and it is said that when an object that has neutral buoyancy, it will neither sink nor rise. I feel like an object possessing large amounts of neutral buoyancy right now.

This is when I would get scared because I don’t want my depression to sense my stillness and plan a sneak attack on me but my mind keeps telling me trust God and be still.

I’m going to bed, it’s Sunday and I have clothing items to wash, a bathroom to clean (ugggghhhhh) and maybe dinner to cook sooooo sleep tight everyone! Btw I wrote this post using the WordPress app on my phone, this is my first time doing this usually I’d write on my computer but I thought I’d try it out.

2 thoughts on “My Dubious State

    1. I completely agree, I tend to allow myself to just feel things out so if I’m sad I allow that feeling to consume me until it just goes away. I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone else but that’s how I deal (sometimes).


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