Recently a guy told me he didn’t know how to greet me because he never knows what my mood is going to be like on a particular day, I laughed when I read the message but internally I was sobbing because what he said actually hurt me. In my defense, when it comes to him everything is complicated due to our history and my emotions tend to heighten. However, in that moment what he said made me think about my mommy and daddy issues.
My mom and dad were neighbours, she was never interested in him and he wasn’t interested in her but then my mom was in a difficult situation and he was in a position to help her and he did. I don’t know how long they dated before she became pregnant but I know they stayed together until I was 3 years old because that’s when she ran away.
He had four children before I was born and the age gap between us isn’t worth mentioning, just know it’s bad and he kept trying to simultaneously stay with the three mothers of his children; an impossible task and a game my mom wasn’t going to play. She was headstrong about leaving him and he was headstrong about her staying, she was determining regardless and he became physically abusive. She left our community one afternoon, she told my maternal grandmother she was going to buy a few stuff for me and left; I saw her 3 years later – I was 6 years old – when she was financially established and asked my grandma to let me come live with her.
She lived almost 4 or 5 hours on the west side of the island but my grandma said yes and I went (reluctantly). I spent the next 14 years angry at her for leaving me and our unusual mother-daughter relationship. My dad filled my head with empty promises and 2 minute conversations during my summer vacations at my grandma’s house and for the longest while I felt unwanted.
Despite everything my father has a good heart but I don’t think he was ready to be a father and by the time he figured out how to be one I was already damaged and scarred from his and my mom’s abandonment and lack of involvement. I don’t blame her or him for the rollercoaster relationships and slightly destructive cycles I have had with men but I do believe their actions while I was growing up contributed to the ‘hero syndrome’ I developed.
By hero syndrome I mean the intense need/desire to save people especially men and make them better because I believe they have untapped potential that can be maximized. Potential I believe I can unlock if I stay with them even when it hurts, even when the person makes it hard and even when I know I need to leave.
Hero syndrome landed me my first crushing and emotionally traumatic heartbreak at 19 and before that I had a few slight bruises thanks to it. My parents didn’t have the best upbringings/childhood so I thought maybe if they had a friend like me growing up they would have turned out better, maybe they would have been better parents. So I became that person for men, I wanted to save any man I was in a relationship with at all cost.
THIS ALMOST DESTROYED ME!
Last year August, I told – well I downright begged – myself to stop being a doormat for people who were taking my kindness for weakness. Sometimes my moods are intense and usually when they are I know it’s because my defense mechanism have been alerted. I can’t allow myself to be destroyed by a man or anyone, I can’t allow myself to succumb to my hero syndrome so yeah I’m a little difficult to deal with.
I was hesitant to write this but I’m only writing the things that are on my heart and I don’t care who thinks it’s too personal or emotional. Healing comes when you are able to talk about the things that once hurt you.