Healing Conversations

Healing Conversations

Yesterday while my mom cleaned the refrigerator and I cleaned the kitchen counters, we had a healing conversation.

A healing conversation is one that discusses a difficult topic or topics. By the end of it you are able to breathe and find peace in all that was said.

Girl in Her Twenties

The last few months have been emotionally painful for my mom. Her first born being queer and now about to quit a stable job in the financial sector can be overwhelming if you look at it from her point of view. She’s been vocal about her disappointment but has refrain from telling me what to do and how to live my life. Something I can appreciate. It has put a strain on our already strenuous relationship.

My mom is VERY traditional. Her idea of happiness and my version of happiness have never really aligned. She worked super hard so I could have an easier life than she did. This is something I appreciate more than she will ever know. However, I think her sacrifice influenced my need for her validation. I did everything I thought would make her proud and neglected my inner self.

I became the overachiever with the good grades, awards and great potential. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the academic success as well, it motivated me. The thing is, it has done more harm than good but we’ll discuss this in another post.

My mom’s opinion held weight in my life. If she didn’t like someone I was dating, I would self-sabotage that relationship. If she felt a certain job was better suited for me, I would apply. I had a mind of my own but I gave my mom complete control of it. But then the pandemic hit!

I started this blog, I began writing stories and damn it felt good. I always wanted to be an author or teacher. I knew my heart would really be in it. My mom thought accounting would be better and more stable. I am good with numbers so I could see why. I didn’t hate Accounting, I enjoy it but it’s repetitive and monotonous. I like talking, expression and putting my energy in places I can see real change (no offense to all the accountants out there, y’all are the language of business).

The pandemic opened my eyes but I was still scared of disappointing my mom and I didn’t believe in myself as much as I do now. At the time my fear outweighed my love. Well, until August 2021. I joined a queer dating app, I wrote a short story for a competition and got into tutoring. These actions caused a lot of changes in my life.

They were stepping stones that lead me here. Here is a place where my love outweighs my fear. The conversation with my mom gave me the peace I needed to move forward. I understood where she was coming from but I also understood that it didn’t take away from my own feelings and dreams.

My last day of work is Friday. With everything happening how it’s happening, I’m happy but nervous. The happiness outweighs the nerves so I’m liking that at least. Have you ever trusted your intuition and dared to do something? Please tell me I’m not alone in this.

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