What If I’m . . . Fragile Today?

What If I’m . . . Fragile Today?

A view from my window

There is a storm passing through the island, the sky is currently gloomy and the rain is pouring without any intention of stopping. I’m not bothered by it, I like this type of weather – it lightens my mood and clears my thoughts. My writing is better as well, everything flows because I feel so at ease.

This week has been an emotional one, I think I cried four times.

I can’t pinpoint or clearly determine why I was crying because a series of events took place, it could have been all or some events. Neither can I say what exactly I was feeling that led to the tears because I have been feeling too many emotions in one day. I just knew whenever I started playing a certain song, I would fall apart in tears.

My grandpa’s death anniversary was Thursday. A year later and grief is still hard but I have been learning to cope. I have accepted he is gone but still wish he was here. Things just don’t feel the same. My grandma is grieving in unhealthy ways which worries me but I don’t say anything to voice my disagreeance.

I am watching with pain in my heart and tears in my eyes as my girlfriend’s mental health declines. Seeing someone you love cope in ways that are destroying them rather than helping them grow is painful. I feel useless and deflated. I have no words left in me to soothe her pain.

Trying to start my business while trying to create content to help my poetry Instagram grow while trying to help my blog grow while working as a backend administrative support for a wedding planner while doing social media management for her business. More and more keeps adding to my already loaded plate.

I feel like a stranger in my own home. My mom’s boyfriend is constantly here. I have been so used to living with women in a house that a man’s presence makes me uncomfortable. I think this is one of the many reasons I want to move out. I feel like a big fish in a small pond. I feel like I have outgrown this house, this country and I need a different pond that is better situated for my growth.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown. However, today the head has decided to put down the crown and rest. Today, I choose to be weak.

Girl in Her Twenties

I am feeling fragile today. I don’t want to think about the friendship dynamics that need re-evaluation or the adulting responsibilities that seem never ending and demanding my reluctant attention. Instead, for today, I drop my weapons and shed my armor and refuse to fight these battles. 

I am going to cozy up in bed and continue reading ‘Yinka, Where Is Your Huzband?’ by Lizzie Damilola Blackburn and enjoy this gloom weather.

Cassie

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