My Life is a Beautiful MESS!

My Life is a Beautiful MESS!

Photo credit: Wallpaper Access

My life could be worse but at the same time it could be a lot better. I’m counting my blessings and giving thanks but I can’t help but feel annoyed with the not-so-great parts of my life.

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FAITH or FEAR? 4:00 A.M. Thoughts

FAITH or FEAR? 4:00 A.M. Thoughts

It is 4:23 a.m., everything feels and sounds so calm and peaceful. 2 am to 5:30 am are my favourite hours, the world is sleeping and that’s when I feel most alive and awake. I can hear my thoughts, think clearly and my writing feels more like me.

I couldn’t decide what I wanted to write about, this post was meant to be written and published on Wednesday now its turned into a written and published Thursday post. I needed rest and I like writing from a place of inspiration and not obligation.

Faith or fear?

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YESTERDAY

YESTERDAY

Photo credit: James Fenner Illustration ‘Out of body Experience’

Yesterday I woke up at 6:30 a.m. it was a normal day and not once did anything feel out of place. Maybe me getting ready to start the day before my mom and little sister was the only extraordinary thing I could think of at 7:05 a.m. that morning before we left home.

We dropped off my sister at school (very early, 7:25 a.m.) and I was accompanying my mom to her interview scheduled for 8:30 a.m. We had time so we were cruising, talking and smiling. It was the first time in 24 hours that I could do that because the night before my partner and I had a little lovers quarrel and you know how that can make you feel.

It’s 7:45/7:47-ish and we’re driving down the hill road that is Scotts Hill, my mom makes a joke and I smile. In my head I said ‘maybe everything is going to be alright’ then within seconds I hear my mom annoyingly say “what is this woman doing on my side of the road” and then BOOM!

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DEATH IS INEVITABLE

DEATH IS INEVITABLE

Photo source: Unknown

My grandpa died last week Wednesday and it’s been a really difficult time for me. I’m fully aware that it’s the circle of life, birth and death maintain the balance.

But . . . I was already trying to stay positive in my already dark times and him dying really has me feeling like I’m drowning. I barely talk to God anymore, I just thank him for waking me up in the mornings and ask him to protect my friends and family; honestly I’m upset with him and I’ve been reluctant to admit it until now.

I’m trying to be okay but I’m not.

I’ve been trying to be inspired to write a blog post and create good content but I can’t do it. The only thing I’ve been able to attempt to write is an entry for a short story competition, I’m even dubious about writing that.

I love my grandma but I was always a grandpa’s girl, I was hoping I’d be able to see him after the pandemic. Even though death is inevitable, I had stupidly thought he’d live forever 💔

I’m taking a step back from everything until I feel more like myself again so bare with me.

I hope everyone is okay and staying safe. Enjoy the rest of your week!

I Quit Drinking Alcohol

I Quit Drinking Alcohol

Photo source: LittleThings.com
P.S. I don’t like juice that much, I prefer water.

I’ve always been a red wine and beer type of girl, the legal drinking age in my country is 18 and I was drinking long before that. I’m also from a drinking family so it wasn’t something outlandish, I think the only person that doesn’t excessively drink alcohol is my maternal grandmother but she has the occasional soft beer every now and then.

For me, I enjoyed the feeling liquor gave me but it wasn’t a feeling I was obsessed with or needed to have in order to survive the day or go to sleep at nights until around July-ish when that feeling changed. The lines between recreational drinking and coping mechanism started to blur and unknowingly I was drinking with the aim of getting drunk and a break from reality.

I remember someone telling me to be careful because this could turn into an addiction if I continued and I rolled my eyes, again I wasn’t self-aware of it due to the external stress that was going on around me. July ended, August began and I was still drinking, I needed a glass of wine everyday after work and beers on the weekend just to relax.

Photo Source: Streaming Rant

I was scrolling through Instagram one night when I saw Jack Harlow’s post about his reasons behind quitting drinking and in that moment I realize that I did have a problem but I was in the early stages where I could choose to stop so I decided when September began, I would stop drinking for a month then turn a month into the rest of the year.

It’s been 13 days and I haven’t had any liquor, just been drinking water and juice, sometimes a lot of chocolate milk that makes my lactose intolerance act up but nothing alcoholic and I’m really proud. My neighbours’ anniversary party was yesterday and they had ice coolers of free liquor, beer and wine but I didn’t have the urge to ruin myself with it.

I think the pandemic was really hitting hard for me, more time at home was giving my brain more time to evaluate how far behind I am in life and it was so easy to turn to a bottle and even working temporarily in that environment wasn’t helping me. For other people it might be sex, weed, hard drugs or something else that’s “helping” them escape from the harsh reality of life.

I plan on sticking it out for the rest of the year and the only time I want to drink next year is if I’m comfortable, ready and it’s for recreational reasons and not a coping mechanism. I want to say to anyone reading this who might be able to relate, I know it’s really hard right now but it won’t last forever, even though it damn near feels like it. You’ll be okay and you don’t need any alcohol, drug or anything else of that sort to help you “escape”.

I highly recommend journaling, reading books (This Close to Okay and Leap of Faith are ones I’m liking right now), seeking professional help (if you can afford it) or maybe your country has a mental health hotline (please take advantage of it). Also talk to trusted close friends and family who will be able to understand and sympathize/empathize with you and the situation you are going through. Take some time for yourself and go outside don’t stay in the house hiding away, the fresh air will do you some good, maybe plug up your headphones and listen to some albums, it’s something I do, link me for music recommendations lol!

This is for anyone struggling in the pandemic, it doesn’t matter your situation, it could be a relationship break up, friendship ending, failing college classes because you can’t handle online learning, unemployment, toxic work environment, toxic relationship, toxic friendships or family members, sexual orientation struggles. Like I said, it doesn’t matter as long as you are struggling with something this is for you.

Sending light in the dark places, healing, comfort and love to everyone! Enjoy the rest of your week.

Sunday’s Thoughts. . . Let’s Talk

Sunday’s Thoughts. . . Let’s Talk

Photo source: Cultivation Street

I took a mini break from watching a movie that’s about to be my favourite movie no matter the ending and that says a lot; it is so good that I’m going to write a blog post about it (maybe tonight if the mood continues). It’s been raining all day and for those who don’t know, this is my type of weather: gloomy, chilly and wet. I’m surprise I wasn’t born in England because I would thrive there just because of the weather.

Why am I writing a blog post on Sunday? Well, I was talking to one of my closest friends today and usually we would have 2+ hours of conversations about our life, future goals, career paths and adulting stuff, basically it’s always deep conversations and I love that about us, he reminds me to never be complacent.

My birthday is around the corner (August 10, send all gifts through DHL and FedEx please lol), I’m going to be 23 which I’m really excited about because I’m in the best frame of mind for this chapter, the growing pains have been doing their thing and your girl has been evolving!

Today was just a reminder of how far I’ve come, I feel grateful more than ever for my mom and sister (I really want to be in the position to give them everything they deserve), I’m grateful for the small circle of friends I have (they’ve showed me that friendship is the true prize) and I’m grateful for this blog, my life, good health and these little moments both good and bad.

Photo source: Unknown

Whenever I’m feeling uncomfortable, I know I’m going through a period of growth.

Girl in Her Twenties

Last year around this time I wasn’t the happiest, I felt very stuck and hopeless but this year is a completely different vibe and it really shows that bad days don’t last forever and the only constant in life is change; you just have to keep going.

So I want to know how are you feeling today? What’s on your mind? Let’s converse in the comment section (I’m in a good mood, all snuggled up and happy)

P.S. It’s my best friend’s birthday today, HAPPYYYYYYY BIRTHDAYYYYY O!! He keeps me sane so I don’t self-destruct on some of those bad days.

P.S.S This romance movie is really good, can you guess the name? I’ll give you a hint, it’s on Netflix and it’s a Filipino film.

P.S.S.S. I want to learn German and move to Liechtenstein and live my best small country life – insert my loud laugh -.

THE UNCOMFORTABLE. . .

THE UNCOMFORTABLE. . .

Photo source: Unknown

All my best life experiences came from decisions that were made from outside of my comfort zone. It’s never an easy task because in the heat of the moment, you are constantly overthinking and second guessing if that decision is really the right one but you will never know until you do it.

‘What-ifs’ scare me and maybe that’s why I step out of my comfort zone more often now than I did a few years ago, I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN . . . I would much rather see for myself than assume, if it’s a disappointment then I can cry about it while eating ice-cream and if it’s the opposite then yaaaay but the good thing is I experienced the outcome.

My mom told me yesterday that leaving her small town was the biggest and best decision she ever made in her life, it opened so many doors and closed a few but at the end of the day she doesn’t regret it because she would do it again in a heartbeat and maybe a lot sooner than the age she did.

I’VE ALWAYS PRAYED FOR MY MOM’S COURAGE AND RISK TAKING SPIRIT.

Sometimes I have to think thoroughly about my decisions even though I know I’m going to choose the one that scares the shit out of me, my mom on the other hand goes with the one that requires the most courage and she chooses immediately without hesitation and acts on it right after; she’s inspiring!

Ten years from now, make sure you can say that you chose your life. You didn’t settle for it.

Mandy Hale

The point I’m trying to make is, you will always feel safe in your comfort zone because nothing is happening and whatever does happen is a part of the regular routine but don’t look back 10 years down the road and sigh with regret wishing you had done something you really wanted to do but didn’t because your comfort zone was too comfy.

EMBRACE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE THAT’S WHERE ALL THE GROWTH HAPPENS.

CAREER HAPPINESS

CAREER HAPPINESS

Source: Tenor

I briefly mentioned career happiness in one or two blogs and if you’ve read any of the two then you know I consider it a life goal. What do I mean by that? Basically, I don’t want to be stuck doing a job I hate for the rest of my life so one of my goals is to be doing something I love or that makes sense to me.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do career-wise, last year March after I officially completed my Associate degree in Accounting, I was sure I would have started my Bachelor’s degree in September (online) and be working as a full-time accounting clerk. It’s January 19, 2021, and I can confirm I’m doing none of the above. Instead, I’m still at my part-time job as a teacher’s assistant at a middle-class preschool (I had this job since college and stayed after I graduated) and I’m writing blogs and poetry.

I’m not miserable I promise (pinky swear) but I feel unfulfilled, like I’m not doing what I’m meant to do in life (not that I know what I should be doing in life).

I started blogging after graduation then I was writing poetry again and that’s when my creativity came back; it felt sooo good. Two weeks ago, I compiled all my love poems about him and turned it into a book and guess what? I’m turning my pain into gain because I want to self-publish my book! I have no idea how I found myself doing this but I’m doing it.

Still something is missing . . .

Source: GIPHY

All my primary and high school reports would have comments like ‘Cassaniek is going to do great things’ or ‘Cassaniek’s future is bright and she will excel immensely’, back then when I read those comments I was optimistic and even more confident in my potential but now I’m wondering . . . Does that Cassaniek with untapped potential and bright future still exist?

This is my life . . .

Finally Growing Up

Finally Growing Up

Source: UNKNOWN

The only constant in life is change but somehow I still try to be impenetrable whenever it knocks at my doorstep and demand I open the door. My reluctance stems from my inability to decipher if the change is going to be good or bad. This year has been filled with changes and taught me numerous lessons, now I FEEL LIKE I’M GROWING UP and peace and anxiety sets in (don’t ask me how they can coexist in my mind cause I don’t know that answer).

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In Your Opinion, WHAT’S A HAPPY LIFE?

In Your Opinion, WHAT’S A HAPPY LIFE?

Photo source: nytimes.com

If you read my last post and have somewhat of a photographic memory, then you’d know this was one of the 22 questions to Ask a Potential Partner.

However, someone asked me this question last night, it’s important to note I was drinking wine when I answered, and if you don’t know drunk minds speak sober thoughts. I didn’t think about my answer, drinking relaxes my usual overthinking, introverted, and organized state of being so it was pure bluntness and 100% honesty.

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