When I started blogging I was extremely nervous and unsure of myself and my writing so I would only send my posts to close family and friends. For a while that’s all I would do then one day I stopped, this blog became like a personal diary for me and I didn’t want to share it with the people who knew me.
My blog isn’t linked in my Instagram bio, I don’t promote it on Facebook or post about it on Whatsapp and I do all this because I don’t want anyone to feel to obligated to read it and also I’m hypersensitive about my writing. I know I shouldn’t think like that but I do, I want people to read my blog out of genuineness so I’ve opted to blog secretly and whoever stumbles upon it then yaaay! It’s been about 6 months of secret blogging, I like it and my writing has improved so occasionally the thought has crossed my mind to let it be known that I do share my innermost thoughts on the worldwide web for strangers from all walks of life to read.
It’s still just a thought . . .
I can handle mean and uber-critical strangers (to some extent), their opinions don’t have any value at my brain bank because they don’t know me and I don’t know them, it is as simple as that. I don’t want to have to explain myself and blog to family, friends or acquaintance, I also don’t want to get shy and start censoring myself and my writing because I know people who know me are reading.
Blogging makes me feel good, I’m not uploading posts everyday and I’m barely consistent with the one post per week mantra I try to repeat every Sunday.
Eventually I will want to share this blog but I want to be more secure and ready when I do. . . At this moment in time I’m not ready.
BUTTTTTTTTTTT never say never is my outlook so maybe one day, it could be this year or the next I don’t know and I’m not rushing myself to know.
I think it was a midterm or final exam, I can’t remember which one it was right now, but I know I was talking to a classmate and expressing how nervous I was about taking the exam and she also shared my sentiments. The instructor walked in a few minutes after, everybody settled down and took their seats then my classmate wished me good luck and someone in the room said ‘Cassaniek doesn’t need luck she’s smart and she always passes.’
Now I’ve heard that statement a million times from primary school up until my final exams in college, it never fazed me because there was some truth to what I consider a slight over exaggeration on their part. I don’t fail exams but there was a period in time when I did fail because my grandma died, I was very depressed and gave up on life but that’s a discussion for another blog.
It’s not because I’m an Albert Einstein by-product – I’m certainly not –, the simple truth is I cannot afford to fail like literally I can’t afford to fail an exam because I would have pay (technically my mom would) to retake the course the next semester in college and I didn’t have the luxury (I still don’t).
Being ‘smart’ (I don’t like that word) and having a genuine love for academic learning contributed to my good grades but a second driving force would be that I’m from a lower-class family for sure.
‘Good, better, best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better and your better is best.’
I don’t who said this, but I learnt it in primary school, and it stuck with me.
I was taught to work hard for everything I wanted, there was no gold spoon in this mouth at birth and knowing I had big dreams meant life was going to give me a real fight and I could cry about it which is something I did a lot when I was younger. I choose to both fight and cry about it on my good days, don’t ask me what I do on a bad day.
I grew up in a female dominated family and let me tell y’all a secret I am probably one of the most stubborn and headstrong members, fourth to my grandmothers, mom and aunt Kerry-ann and this is a well-known fact amongst my family and even close friends. So, if I say I’m going to do something don’t even try to change my mind because I’m already planning how to execute it in my head.
Sometimes extreme frustration sets in when I can’t get stuff done immediately because I’m in the lower-class, my college education is a good example I want to study all the way to a PhD degree (yes, my love for academic learning is truly real), but I only have my associate’s degree so far, I know I have the academic capabilities but limited financial resources.
It also didn’t help my frustration when a friend would cheat in exams and fail courses in college, he is a middle-class kid with zero care about academia, and I was slightly if not very jealous because I wished for the things he took for granted. Dreams are placed in your heart and mind because God knows they belong there so I continue to work hard and pray for opportunities to get me where I need to be because many have been in my shoes and they persevered so I know I will too.
I’ve shared a lot of love, relationship and heartbreak stuff because it’s easier for me to write about these things but when it comes to really personal stuff like my mental health, social status and other things, it’s a little harder. The easy stuff takes a day to write, the hard ones take days or sometimes a week to write; I’m apprehensive and a little reluctant to share sometimes but I enjoy writing the hard stuff.
Thanks for reading, how is your weekend so far? I have drank zero glasses of wine so far and I’m not happy about this fact, it shall be duly corrected (I said that in my Daphne Bridgeton voice).
Have you ever watched Moana? If you haven’t then please do, because Disney did good when they released that animated film and the soundtrack is AMAZING!!!!
Moana has my heart in her hands and ‘How Far I’ll Go’ has probably made me cry more times than I’d liked to admit but that song really gives me the feels! Moana’s desire to sail the sea and listen to that voice within is something we can all identify with.
Sometimes it’s hard to hear your own voice when you are surrounded by the loud shouts of others, it’s even more difficult when those loud shouts are telling you what they think is right for you; everyone is a critic (that’s the saying right?). Seriously though, everybody wants to tell you what to do as if they have it all figured out, but they keep forgetting that your mistakes are your own and you are the one that learns from them.
Yes, Moana sailed the sea against her father’s wishes, it wasn’t smooth sailing – it was hard – but she stuck with it! She could have turned back, sailed home with her chicken and listen to all the ‘I told you so’ but she didn’t instead she continued to trust her intuition and that voice inside her.
I tune into me, I find my frequency and accept that silencing the voice within me and turning the volume up on the outside shouts won’t make me happy. In the pursuit of something, you could lose everything you’ve known but guess what? See the line where the sky meets the sea it calls me, one day I’ll know (Moana reference again). You have to listen to yourself and find out what really awaits you beyond that line, trust the signs and chase your dream.
Lately I’ve been manifesting a lot and I can’t wait to see these things come to fruition, January wasn’t a great start for me but I’m not ready to throw in the towel for 2021. So if anybody else has been feeling less than optimistic remember a new day means another opportunity to restart or start.
So just keep swimming . . . (that was a Dori reference)
Thanks for reading, have a good week everyone, sending lots of positive energy and good vibes your way!
When I was little I knew my biggest weakness would be my heart. I was always too soft and compassionate but I couldn’t stop even if I tried and let me tell you I HAVE REALLY TRIED.
Some people realize this weakness in me early on and took full advantage of it! Of course karma paid them back, I shouldn’t be happy about that but I am, you shouldn’t be allowed to do good people bad . . . it’s just not right.
Okay so maybe the uncomfortable truth is just for me, SEX IS A PLEASURABLE BUT OUTLANDISH MAZE I’M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT. This conclusion might stem from the fact that sex wasn’t a regular topic of discussion growing up and most of what I knew wasn’t enough to be considered knowledgeable.
My family is convinced by my mid-thirties I’ll be the cat lady who admires her wall of degrees and numerous accomplishments with no husband or children in sight. They aren’t completely wrong, within their exaggerated ‘prediction’ partial truths exist, I do envision myself staring at a wall filled with my achievements but I’m not a cat or animal person so I can’t see myself having a room filled with them but BOOKS, yessss! I would collect and store books in a room for weekdays and weekends reads.